Struggles with self-awareness

Here goes another happiness vent to myself.

First off, never regret anything that once made you happy. You can miss the person, the memories, wish things were different; but there is no point in wishing it never happened or having regrets. Everything is a lesson and part of your journey. Sometimes it’s not just about people and how they feel, but the timing that is significant. You can have two people who adore spending time together but it can’t work if you ultimately want different things, have other priorities, or different perspectives.

It is so important to be aware of your own happiness. Sometimes we quickly start relying on those who bring happiness into our lives, and it feels great. It is an amazing feeling having someone/ people in your life that make you happy and excited for new adventures in life. But what we can’t forget is everyone is fighting their own battles. Everyone is in a different mindset and stage of their lives. Sometimes it’s hard to not take things personally. Sometimes it takes a few days, weeks, months or even years to really accept and make sense of certain circumstances.

We are human. It is okay to not know how we feel, it’s okay to have a bunch of feelings, and it’s okay to be confused or even numb. This morning it really hit me that my happiness hasn’t been as big of a priority of mine as I thought it was. I thought about my awesome job, how I finally have my apartment, how much I’d been looking forward to having my own space, how I actually get to go home in two weeks! I finally had the things that I thought would make me happy but then why am I feeling like this? I realized I’d been making excuses and depending too much on other things for my happiness, instead of living in the moment, appreciating each of my accomplishments and focusing on the positives in my life.

You can have everything and still not be happy, so even though it is good to have things to look forward to, we can’t just depend on those things to make us happy. What it comes down to is that it is vital to ultimately take a step back and look at the bigger picture. We need to break it down and focus on these key aspects:

• You control your own happiness. Literally no one can make you happy if you don’t value your own happiness. Even if you think they make you happy, if you’re not happy without them bringing you happiness then you need to work on yourself and what you can do that makes you happy.

 

• Ask yourself if what you’re doing today is going to get you closer to where you want to be tomorrow. Every day you have choices to make. Focus on your goals and if what you’re doing isn’t getting you where you want to be, then change it.

 

• If you feel like you deserve better, you probably do. Don’t expect anything to change if you don’t. Don’t settle or justify anything because of how it used to be. We can’t always get what we want, but we have to be aware and have the self-worth to know when we do deserve better.

 

• Never force anyone to make a space for you in their lives. If they want you in their lives and truly know your worth, they will choose to create the space. Sometimes you need to forget what you feel or how it was, to remember what you deserve and what you actually want.

 

• It is what it is. You can beat yourself up thinking about how it coulda /shoulda/ woulda been but that’s honestly not going to get you anywhere. Once you accept the reality and how everything happens for a reason whether you believe it now or not, you will be more at peace. Your mind will eventually accept the reality but it is your heart that requires time to heal.

 

• What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. All your struggles will make you more appreciative. All your achievements will make it worth it. All the mistakes will be a lesson. When you look back at your life you won’t remember every single time something made you cry, or how hard some days were. What you will remember is how you overcame your struggles, how the hardships made you grateful for the good times, and how even though it wasn’t always easy you can look back at know it made you a stronger person who focussed on the positives.

 

Life can’t always be rainbows and butterflies, so instead of focusing on the storms we need to look at the bigger picture and understand that even a flower needs rain before it can bloom.

❤

15 Questions I have genuinely been asked about living in South Africa, with sarcastic responses.

1) How are you white?

– I’m albino.

2) There are Jews there?

– No we are all just one religion of impoverished African children.

3) Did you ride zebra?

– Yes how else would we get to each other’s shacks?

4) Did you have giraffe and elephants as pets?

– As well as warthogs, leopard and rock pythons.

5) Have you been attacked by a lion before?

– Yes and I lived to tell the tale.

6) Ah shame, did you not have a house?

– No. I lived in trees. Be jealous.

7) Did you have to get water and food sent to your country?

– Totally.

8) Do you know Charlize Theron?

– Yes we all know Charlize Theron personally.

9) Why do you speak ‘Brittish’?

– The English tutor for my tribe raised me.

10) What country in South Africa?

– No comment.

11) Did you wear animal skins and live in huts?

– Precisely.

12) When did you become ‘Americanized’?

– When I left the tribe in search of water I was rescued.

13) What’s your real name?

– Nthombiqiqiwethathe Mkhize of tribe flower.

14) Did you survive on bugs and wildlife?

– Yes, great source of protein.

15) How did you get to America?

– In a canoe.

THIS IS SOUTH AFRICA PEOPLE.

Don’t get me wrong, we have our spectacular wildlife, and we do have traditional cultures. But people need to realize the whole of Africa isn’t what you see on the TV ads, with starving African children standing with celebrities asking to donate food and water. Yes, unfortunately a massive part of Africa, and South Africa deals with those hardships everyday. But people really need to educate themselves, and stop being so ignorant.

South Africa has a loooott of issues. But it really is such a magnificent place ❤

 

Ottawow

I took a bus to Ottawa while I was in Canada to visit my cousin and old friend. I arrived on Thursday afternoon and met up with a friend of mine from prep school, who moved to Canada yeaars ago. It was amazing getting to spend some time with her, as this was the second time I’d gotten to see her in around 7 years.

Ottawa is absolutely beautiful. It really is such an amazing city. I loved exploring around and being able to catch a bus downtown (something a South African is still not used to).

We took a bus to my cousin’s apartment, and it was fantastic being able to relax and literally just chill out. After a little bit my cuzzie got home from work and it was so amazing seeing her again. She visited earlier in the year but I missed her a ton.

We went to see a band that night called White Horse and they were incredible! A husband and wife who were as talented as they were adorable together. They just had a kid and the wife looked amazing. So that was a treat to see!

Friday morning was incredible. And guess what I did? NOTHING. Being able to wake up without an alarm, take my time getting out of my pjs, chilling drinking tea and hanging out was all I needed.

I met up with my friend and we went for lunch and coffee at this gorgeous restaurant Downtown. I forgot what it was called but it was all artsy and stunning.

I had an amazing time exploring the town with her and getting to catch up with her now that she is a party animal 😛 We said our goodbyes and it sucked only getting to spend such a little time with her, but it was worth it for sure.

I made my way back to my cousin’s place and got in a quick workout. We went for dinner with her lovely boyfriend (soul-mate) and their friends. Curried cauliflower soup and Sangria. That is all ❤

My cousin and I have spent most of our lives apart but I’m so lucky to have her in my life. She is not only hilarious and beautiful, but a really amazing person 🙂

We headed back to Toronto on Saturday morning, to spend some last minute time with family and then have some pre-birthday celebrations.

Terri, her boyfriend Jared and I headed downtown to meet up with her good friends. We got delicious food, some drinks and headed to a beautiful park to chill out.

Then we went dancing and I pretty much fell asleep on the dance floor which sucked, but I was exhausted. Looking back I probably should have sucked it up and had a Redbull, but considering I had to be at the bus station at 5:30am the next morning I think my body did me a favour.

12 hours later I arrived back in NYC, took a train back to Asbury Park an hour later, and finally got home around 10pm. It was a LONG day. Did I mention I shlepped a massive suitcase, another suitcase, a backpack and my handbag like 8 blocks in New York City. Yes, everyone thought I was the biggest tourist. But oh well at least I have my summer clothes again!

It wasn’t 10 blocks or even that much of a mission I’m just overdramatic.

Ottawowza for sure ❤

Canada you were amaze

Is it too late to become a mermaid?

I scuba dived throughout high school and absolutely loved it. It’s a different world under water, with magnificent creatures everywhere your eyes can reach. Unfortunately life got busy and I got lazy and I started going diving less and less. Sad face.

The point of this is, I’m lucky that my family has a neighbour who is a family friend, and is around my age so I had someone awesome to chill with and explore while I was staying with them. We decided to go to the aquarium yesterday, and I was like a kid in a candy store.

I felt sorry for him because I was either taking a bagillion photos or being in awe of how beautiful everything was. But he managed dealing with a crazy South African pretty well 😛

For the South Africans who’ve been to UShaka Marine World, this was UShaka on steroids it was so amazing.

These bad boys changed colour. Absolutely incredible.

Okay fine, I’ll stop now.

So needless to say it was amazing. Sea life is so incredible and completely underrated. Seeing it all made me miss being in that world.

There are entire oceans filled with so many different species and ecosystems, and people don’t appreciate how truly spectacular what lives under the sea really is.

Random acts of kindness are a beautiful thing.

Yesterday at work a woman was wearing one of the Lokai bracelets. I’d seen them on Instagram and had wanted one for awhile but just hadn’t gotten around to ordering one.

The beautiful thing about them is how there is a white bead which contains water from Mt Everest,  and a black bead that contains mud from the Dead Sea – the highest and lowest points on Earth. The idea behind them is to use the elements to have a balance. At hard times in life, to have hope. In good times in life, to stay humble. I just love it.

So anyways I see this women wearing it and I hadn’t seen one in person before so I asked if I could look at it as I’d wanted one for a while, and admired how beautiful it and it’s concept was.

This woman immediately told me to try it on, and said I could have it. I was shocked as I had not intended on making this random woman give me her bracelet!  I told her how I could never take it but I really appreciated it, but she insisted. She said how she could get another one and she needed to do something kind today so she gave it to me!

Now that’s what I call good karma.

♡

Appreciate the beauty in the little things in life

Today I woke up and took the dogs for a jog.

It was a magnificent morning:

Then I rode a bike for the first time in like 7 years probably. It was fantastic! I used to always ride my bike growing up in the Drakensberg (for those who aren’t from SA let’s just say the mountains lol) but it’s been years since I got on one.

It’s true what they say, you never forget how to ride a bike! I was genuinely surprised I didn’t fall off and break something.

Now that the summer is approaching, I can start riding to work and back instead of walking; which will be lovely.

I am loving seeing Spring in New Jersey, it really is beautiful. The flowers blooming, the leaves on the trees, the birds, the blue skies (besides for the storm yesterday lol), everything! I just love actually having seasons here. As opposed to summer and slightly colder summer back home.

We live in such a beautiful world, and getting caught up in our lives leads us to not appreciating the beauty in the little things in life.

❤

Another blog post about New York City.

Written: 04/13

There is just something about this city.

Something about it makes me happy and excited to be there.

Maybe it’s the tourist in me still but when I get a chance/ any excuse to visit NYC I will take it.

I mean I spent the whole day there (I’m on the train back right now) and all I bought was some food, coffee and a metro card. Basically 20 000 steps later I had a fantastic day exploring new places in the city.

There is always something to see. I love the buildings, the yellow cabs, the artsy well-dressed people. The way you can see an incredible view basically anywhere. The parks. The landmarks.  The pizza. The near-death experiences crossing the streets.

And now that it’s starting to warm up, I cannot wait for more adventures in not-minus-a-million degrees New York City.

I’m bored at work and felt like writing something between clients.

I wrote out a blog post last night and got too tired before I actually typed it out. I left my note book at home and I felt like writing something now so I’ll have to type it out later after work. Bla here it goes:

I might have to start calling myself Leanne here. It’s my full name but I’ve always just preferred being called Lee. Some of my family calls me Leanne. But I introduce myself as Lee. Now in America, people don’t understand what I’m saying when I say Lee. I don’t know if it’s pronounced differently here but every time introduce myself to anyone I have to repeat my name at least once. And now that I’m sick and sound like an old man, it’s basically impossible for anyone to make out what I’m saying with my ‘accent’. They think I’m saying ‘glee’ most of the time. Then I just spell it for them, “L. E. E” and they’re like “Aleeey”?

So that’s why I’m starting to consider using Leanne. Rose is my middle name and for some reason I really hated it when I was younger. I don’t know why but I just didn’t like it and didn’t tell people my middle name. But now I actually dig it. It’s pretty and different. Plus I’m sorta addicted to anything floral so it kinda works with my personality. For ages I was just ‘Lee, or Lee Murcia’. Now I like my name more; Lee Rose Murcia. Well Leanne Rose Murcia, but I gotta adjust to that first.

I don’t even know what this post is about. It is so incredible random and pointless. But hey I guess it’s just me writing what comes to mind.

Today has been such a beautiful day. It’s around 13C and 55F which is crazy warm compared to how the weather’s been recently. As much as I’m loving the cold weather and snow, seeing how beautiful the sun was today has made me really excited for the summer here. Asbury Park is apparently fantastic in the summer, so I cannot wait! Had a nice jog to work, followed by a 45 minute gym session. Being sick sucks and it’s crazy how it affects your body when you want to work out. My heart rate went up to 175 every time I tried to do a set of reps. So I took it easy, no point going hard and then being sick for longer.

I’m now sitting at work at my part-time job,Tao Massage. There’s a client who is coming out of session soon and will need to be checked out. Been a great day so far. Love starting off my day with a workout.

Happy Monday 🙂 ❤