Embrace the Uncertainty

Somehow it is almost December, and the last month of 2017. I feel like I’ve learnt a lot about myself this year. I don’t quite know how to explain what i’ve learnt, but I just feel like I’ve finally grasped the concept of giving yourself more power in your own life. You have the power to do what you really want to. You have the power to make the effort or not make the effort. You have the power to decide how you let your morning affect the rest of your day. You have the power to control what you do with your life or what you don’t do with your life, and it doesn’t need to revolve around other people unless you want it to. You do not need to prove anything to anyone, you are enough.

Everyone is on their own unique journey and working it out for themselves as they go. You can’t compare your chapter 50 with someone else’s chapter 129. Recently I’ve given a lot of thought into what do I really want to do with my life and where will I end up living. I spend too much of my life worrying. Worrying about when I’ll be living in the same city as my family again. Worrying about missing my little siblings grow up and not being there for them. Worrying when i’ll be able to catch up with my best friends in South Africa for longer than a day or two. Worrying about wasting time where I could be elsewhere.

I know I will always have some ‘worry’ in me, but I feel like i’ve some how breathed in new “embrace the uncertainty” air. Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won’t have a title until much later on. All the experiences, mistakes, lessons and laughs are all parts of chapters in your life. Some bad, some good, but all a lesson. I look back on so many memories and remember some times where it felt like it was the end of the world, but life just goes on. I also look back on absolutely incredible memories where only later on do you realize their significance and value.

I wish I could hold onto some memories and just never let go.  That’s why I’m learning to live in the moment and appreciate what you have now, because I know I’ll look back and wish I made the most of it. There is no point of dwelling/ living in the past just as much as there is no point stressing about what hasn’t even happened yet.  “Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything becomes possible.”

One of the only things constant in life is change. I don’t want to look back in a few years when I reach 30 and think about how I spent my 20s worrying about my future. I want to use my 20s to find myself, to learn how to truly live in the moment, go on adventures and travel, to work hard and save up, to be productive and achieve my goals, to challenge myself and accomplish things I didn’t think I could. I want to try my hardest to set myself up for my best life possible, but also let myself be human and live a little.  Not every day can be perfect, but make the most of your life and your circumstances. Have faith that it will all work out.

Who knows if I’ll ever know why I won a greencard in the D.V lottery. Who knows what my life would have looked life if I didn’t and I was still in South Africa. Who knows what made me think I had had the courage to move across the world and leave my family and best friends.  Who knows if I’d be the same person I am today if I didn’t have to go through those life changing experiences.  But I believe there always has to be a reason even if I don’t know it yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts on a rainy day

I feel like I have so many thoughts in my head I want to write about and I don’t even know where to start, as usual. It’s been so up and down in my head these last few weeks I don’t really know what to think, and that’s okay. I’m working it out. I feel like some days I can conquer the world with my confidence and I love inspiring people and making them smile. And then some days I question everything and beat myself up about not being able to actually take my own advice. I love to listen to people and I feel like I have had a lot of life experience that does seem to inspire and motivate others. I feel like I know what I need to do to be happy and acquire self-love or in general the positive and happy ways we should live our lives; but actually implementing them into your own life and making yourself a priority is a struggle at times.

I go from thinking I know exactly what I want to having no idea what I’m going to do with my life. I know life is what you make it and I’m so grateful, but I feel like I just keep getting stuck in a cycle of feeling like I have my shit together and then being completely lost. Which I guess is just a part of life. I’m starting to realize the only thing constant thing in life is change, and that the ups and downs are inevitable. What really matters is how you let tomorrow affect you and how you let your thoughts and actions control your life.

There is no point in ‘what ifs’ because if it was meant to be it would have. Point blank. With jobs, relationships, experiences; if it was meant to work out it would have. No matter how much you allow yourself to over think or wish things went differently, you need to value yourself enough to know your worth, be yourself, accept reality, and keep moving forward. If it didn’t turn out the way you expected or wanted it to, let it be a lesson you can learn from.

Trust that your life will work out the way it’s meant to – but stay focused, have fun, work hard, be ambitious, and most importantly take action. Have a goal and make it happen, because literally no one is going to do it for you. This is something I’ve struggled with as even though I do consider myself a pretty independent person, I still battle to get certain things done for myself by myself. You have to take responsibility over your life and get things done for yourself. I’m the biggest procrastinator and it sucks but eventually it hits me that I’m only making it harder for myself by thinking anything is going to get done if I don’t get my shit together and just make it happen.

For example, I still don’t have a car here. I’ve spent months and months looking at options online and I know I need to just go into a dealership and choose one, make it happen, and I’ll finally have a car in Atlanta. Cars are something I’m not particularly interested in so I can admit I’m ignorant when it comes to knowing what to know when buying a car, and I’m not about to buy any car and get screwed over, so not being able to independently handle the task and get it done just frustrates me more to the point where I have procrastinated and avoided just making it happen. It also doesn’t help that I can only look on weekends and it just never seems to work out then. I know once I actually make it happen my life will be monumentally better as I’ll finally be free and have my independence from Uber and the train.

It’s a stormy day in Atlanta and here I am pondering and rambling on about life. I’m proud of myself and what I’ve achieved over the years and I’m so hopeful for the future, but my new project is really focusing on living in the now. Appreciating what I have without expecting more. I need to get into a better routine of self-love and taking responsibility. I don’t only want to inspire others but I want to be able to inspire myself. I want to wake up and be excited to start a new day with a positive happy outlook, not snooze until there is literally no time left to sleep, get ready and go. I want to be someone who is comfortable by herself and who doesn’t need others to determine their happiness.

You can’t just find happiness, you need to create it with your thoughts and actions. Be ambitious, be kind, be humble, be adventurous. Make your life and your happiness a priority, because at the end of the day no one can love you if you don’t love yourself.

 

 

Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017

I feel like 2016 was a pretty shitty year for the world in general. But to be honest when I look back at 2016 – it was actually an amazing year for me. Yes there were struggles, but overall I really did have an awesome year. Sometimes when you think life is really hard, you need some perspective (getting to go home and visit) to make you appreciate life the way it should be appreciated.

Was it an easy year? Definitely not. But when I look back the nights I slept on mattresses on the floor/ a couch, I appreciate the hell out of my bedroom. When I look back at the hours stuck at work on the weekends, I remember how worth it it all was when I got to travel across Europe with my bestie and meet my family in Amsterdam. When I think about the nights I cried myself to sleep, I think about how far I have come and how much I have to be proud of. When I think about how I came back to Atlanta after my Eurotrip not really having a clue where I was going to be living or what I’d be doing for work, I smile and think about my awesome job and apartment I have now.

Even though I only had two weeks to spend with my family and friends back home in South Africa, I’m grateful I atleast had the opportunity to be with them. Even though the visit was short it was better than still being stuck and not having much to come back to. Also, I’m grateful I atleast have an incredible family across the world that I love unconditionally. So even if I feel alone, I’m never completely on my own.

I’m so beyond grateful that 2016 allowed me to travel the world, spend time with my amazing family, see how grown up my siblings are, learn how to be more independant, work my ass off, achieve my goals, make new friends, appreciate true friendships, learn from my mistakes, focus on my own happiness, be kind and understand that karma is real, and appreciate the little things in life.

Trust that everything happens for a reason. Even the hardest times end up being a lesson at some point and help us be more humble, grateful human beings.

Bring on the 2017 adventures ❤

 

How is this my second blog post all year?

I don’t even know where to start and of course when I finally put pen to paper my pen doesn’t work properly. (Not taking it as a sign, gets new pen)

Last year I got into the habit of writing regularly and I didn’t delay capturing my thoughts for very long. I really loved it. It was a way I could look back and see what was on my mind at that time. I wish I had forced myself to set aside time to sit, gather my thoughts and just write more often this year.

Before my Eurotrip I had planned on making an amazing GoPro video as well as writing a post for each country we went to. We ended up being so busy that when we weren’t busy – we were sleeping. It was the most incredible three weeks, but the late nights led to nocturnal sleeping habits as we pretty much just slept on the bus while we travelled to the next place in the day (No regrets). I definitely wish I wrote more throughout the trip but I did take tons of photos and will always have the memories. Eventually I will finish the video and post about my European adventure but for now I’m just glad I’m actually writing so I’m just going to keep going.

The trip flew by and I headed back to NYC to visit family and friends in NJ before getting back to reality with my life in Georgia. I started putting the videos together and sorting out my photos but it honestly made me miss my best friend and my family so much that it led to a lot of procrastination.

The weeks after getting back went so quickly and July had become August, August became September, September became October, and all of a sudden it is the bloody 20th of October. It is kind of scary when you think about how quickly the months go by without even realizing it. I mean come on, by the end of December I would have lived in America for TWO YEARS. *Mind blown*

For the first time in my life I have an amazing, stable and intriguing job. I am so grateful for it everyday even though it’s just a job. It makes me feel productive and significant, and it has given me the opportunity to really settle into real life in Atlanta. Before my trip I was comfortable not doing anything serious for work and just wanted to save up and be able to travel. Then afterwards I went through a strange place trying to understand what I want, how I’m going to get it, and what need to be my priorities. So having a steady salary paid 9-5 job might not seem ideal to many 23 year olds but it is exactly what I needed.

Other than that it hasn’t been an easy four months. I moved in with a friend of a friend who opened up her home to me when I basically had nowhere to live. I am so grateful for her kindness. After a few weeks I moved in with some awesome friends who let me crash in their spare room. They are such genuine and kind people, and they helped me to get my head in the right space just by giving me a room to call my own. I never realized how much I had taken things like a bed for granted my whole life. This year has been a hell of a ride for my messed up back living life as a nomad couch surfing.

When I moved to Brookhaven I had no real job (just waitressing) and had no idea what I was going to do. I spent weeks looking for jobs online and after spending a day handing out my resumes to wherever I possibly could, I got a call from my family friend that night. He explained his friend is an Attorney and their firm was looking for a new Administrative Assistant/ Receptionist. I emailed him my resume immediately, went for an interview the next day, and had an offer emailed to me later that night 🙂

However when it comes to taking care of myself and staying productive personally, it has been a struggle and I’ve definitely lacked ‘me-time’. All the moving back and fourth (I am now back in Sandy Springs, long irrelevant story) really impacted my mental state and motivation towards fitness; which prior to my trip was a huge part of my mental and physical wellbeing.

After a much needed candle-lit bubble bath, I’ve realized that I really need to start taking my own advice and also work on not feeling guilty putting my myself and my happiness first. It hit me that yes I can keep procrastinating but it is literally only detrimental to my life if I don’t start making an effort to work on my own happiness. When I am happy, I am excited to get shit done and cross things off my list, but I tend to stay busy and distracted to avoid thinking about everything that stresses me out and it is a problem I am aware of.

I know I should feel proud of my accomplishments but it is hard to see the bigger picture when there is still so much to be done. Primarily being a car, apartment and my post-graduate studies; which are all way easier said than done when you are pretty much doing it alone.

Looking forward to camping tomorrow night. There is just something about being in nature that makes me happy and free from the stresses of life. Rant over – I don’t even know where I am getting at anymore but I’m glad I picked up my Van Gogh notebook and just started writing tonight. I clearly needed it.

❤

 

 

I’ve got a lot more blog ideas and a lot less time.

A couple months back my uncle Tom saw I used dove soap, and bought me a pack of three big liquid soap bottles. At the time I was all like ‘omg it’s going to take all year to finish these’, and now I’m almost finished the second one. The relevance of this soap story is how crazy fast this year is going. Winter has passed, Spring is basically done, and Summer is here – come back to me tan I beg of you. I’ve had my first year of actual seasons. At the end of June, I would have been here for six months already.

I’ve been so busy that it is hard to believe how quickly 2015 is going. I’m always thinking about things to write about in my next blog, but I’ve got barely any time to sit and get them done. I’m currently working 8am-8pm with a one hour lunch break, Mon-Fri, with weekends off. Which basically means I have weekends to have a life. It’s not as bad as it sounds though, I quite like it actually. Staying busy and working hard, and then in the times I am free; socializing, working out or just chilling out keep me distracted from how gosh darn scary this all actually is.

I’ve gotten used to not being around my girls and my family. I miss them and I know they miss me but they have their own lives to deal with, and if I wanna be happy I’ve got to have my own to deal with too. We all stay in contact as much as possible, but sometimes I wish I had more free time to be able to Skype everyone back home more. Yet at the same time if I had more free time to sit and Skype everyone I love at home, it would only make it harder to be happy here. Staying busy is my way of distracting myself. If I’m busy working a lot, when I do have time then I make an effort to go out, or see friends and do cool things. When I have too much alone time, I think about home too much.

It’s hectic but I am working towards my goal of travelling, so it’s all going to be worth it when I’m sipping Sangria in my bikini on a beach in Greece, riding a bike around Amsterdam, taking touristy photos by the Eiffel Tower, getting gondola selfies in Venice, ETC ETC ❤

So what else can I tell you. It has been awhile. I visited family in Long Island last weekend and it was amazing. I had never met them before! Overall I had a wonderful weekend of memories with them, ranging from going to Splish Splash Water-park (which was life changing), experiencing true New York City traffic, Le Miserables on Broadway (Wow) and lots of great conversation getting to know each other.

What’s ironic is how neither Alyson or her daughter Marielle are actually blood related to me. But they didn’t feel any less like family. I think Alyson’s grandfather, and my step-dad’s grandfather were brothers. Marielle was adopted. But nonetheless, I was visiting family. Family is family. They opened their house to me, made such an effort to do cool things and it was really special getting to know them. I’m so lucky to have them, and now I have an excuse to get to visit more cool places in New York!

On an ending note, I have a desk in my room now which automatically means it should increase my organization and magically make more time for me to sit down and look at how cool it is while I blog right?

Apple pie, May, New job, Identity theft & Canada

Probably the most random blog post title ever but that pretty much sums up my life right now.

I had apple pie for the first time a couple weeks ago and now I realize why Americans love apple pie so much. Dear g-d it is fantastic. Yum.

I cannot believe it’s May already. I feel like I just got used to the fact that it’s April, and now it’s May. This year really needs to slow down it is freaking me out. It’s crazy how it feels like I just had my 21st, and now I’m almost TWENTY TWO. Wow. I do not feel ready for this all haha

Two days ago I woke up to a notification saying I have less than $50 in my account. Which was strange considering I had literally deposited my check the night before. I freeeaakkkeddd out, checked my transaction history and it turns out that some scumbag had gotten my card details (from an ATM- I still had my card with me) and had stolen close to $300 from my account. I hadn’t even paid all my bills for the month and I was left with basically nothing in my account. So Saturday was an awful morning for me. Eventually I sorted it out with the bank and they blocked my card, but I’m still waiting for the money to be transferred back into my account.

Boo. Not even 5 months in America and someone’s already stolen my identity. So ironic that I come from South Africa, and this happens to me here. There really are screwed up people everywhere in the world.

On a happier note, I get to go to Canada soon! I’m visiting family in Toronto (and hopefully Ottawa). I cannot wait. Not only am I ridiculously excited to see them and spend time with them, but I can’t wait for a little break. A week away from work just sounds like perfection right now.

Life has been pretty crazy in the past couple weeks. I started a new job, so in the process of finishing off shifts at my old work I was training over here. I’m meant to have weekends off with this new job but ended up working all weekend to try make up for the shifts I’ll be missing when I’m in Canada for a week, on top of just having $300 stolen from me. ‘I need the money’ is putting it lightly.

What’s kinda awesome about my new job is that it’s a 25/20 (depending on how lazy I am) minute bike ride to work and back home everyday, so it’s forcing me to get a lot of cardio in each day. Seen as summer is coming that’s a good thing right? I’m slowly getting used to not having my car to depend on, and considering how expensive it is to taxi all the time I’m really enjoying being able to ride my bike. It’s muuuuch quicker than walking, it costs nothing, and it’s healthy!

Still taking each day as it comes and trying to get into a new routine now that I’m working basically 8am-8pm Monday-Friday (with a lunch break don’t worry). I’m excited to have weekends off once I’m back from Canada!

It’s true what they say, “Life happens when you’re busy making other plans”.

🙂

Random acts of kindness are a beautiful thing.

Yesterday at work a woman was wearing one of the Lokai bracelets. I’d seen them on Instagram and had wanted one for awhile but just hadn’t gotten around to ordering one.

The beautiful thing about them is how there is a white bead which contains water from Mt Everest,  and a black bead that contains mud from the Dead Sea – the highest and lowest points on Earth. The idea behind them is to use the elements to have a balance. At hard times in life, to have hope. In good times in life, to stay humble. I just love it.

So anyways I see this women wearing it and I hadn’t seen one in person before so I asked if I could look at it as I’d wanted one for a while, and admired how beautiful it and it’s concept was.

This woman immediately told me to try it on, and said I could have it. I was shocked as I had not intended on making this random woman give me her bracelet!  I told her how I could never take it but I really appreciated it, but she insisted. She said how she could get another one and she needed to do something kind today so she gave it to me!

Now that’s what I call good karma.

♡

Appreciate the beauty in the little things in life

Today I woke up and took the dogs for a jog.

It was a magnificent morning:

Then I rode a bike for the first time in like 7 years probably. It was fantastic! I used to always ride my bike growing up in the Drakensberg (for those who aren’t from SA let’s just say the mountains lol) but it’s been years since I got on one.

It’s true what they say, you never forget how to ride a bike! I was genuinely surprised I didn’t fall off and break something.

Now that the summer is approaching, I can start riding to work and back instead of walking; which will be lovely.

I am loving seeing Spring in New Jersey, it really is beautiful. The flowers blooming, the leaves on the trees, the birds, the blue skies (besides for the storm yesterday lol), everything! I just love actually having seasons here. As opposed to summer and slightly colder summer back home.

We live in such a beautiful world, and getting caught up in our lives leads us to not appreciating the beauty in the little things in life.

❤

Train rides are a good time to catch up on blogging.

04/16

Life never works out the way you think it will. Yet somehow it all works out.

When I knew that I was coming here and chose to take a gap year to work and travel, I did a speciality coffee barista course so that it would be easier to find a job at first. I met someone who had connections around the states in high-end coffee shops who assured me he could connect me with people around the country.

So I came here thinking I was going to be making speciality coffee around the country this year. But when you have family in New Jersey it changes a lot.

I don’t have a clue how I’d afford to live anywhere and have to pay rent at this point, but I’ll get there. If you told me a year ago that I’d be working as an assistant manager at an independent theater in Asbury Park, have already left a part-time job because it was too overwhelming,  and am now trying to pick up extra work just to get by between paychecks; no ways in hell would I believe you.

Living in America isn’t easy. It’s very expensive. But hopefully it will all be worth it one day ♡

Someone just asked me if Lee was my real name or my ‘Americanized’ name and I had to blog about it.

Apparently being from Africa and not being called Siphaqalale Tshwanaloba means my name has been ‘Americanized’.

That is all.