Dear Future Lee

I originally wrote this post 22 days ago but ended up deleting it and keeping it as a draft. I figured it was something I could read without having my vulnerable words open to everyone on the internet. I hadn’t looked at it since, until this morning. I felt like I wanted to write but I didn’t have the words to express how I felt. Then I saw “Dear Future Lee”.

 

I wanted to write this for myself, and for anyone having a rough day who just needed some reassurance and positivity. No room for judgements here – if no one reads this but me from time to time then this served it’s purpose.

What you are feeling is temporary. Right now, something is bothering you and that’s okay. What isn’t okay is letting it impact your entire day, not realizing and being aware of what is bothering you, or expecting things to change that are ultimately not going to.

Take a deep breath. No don’t just read this, actually breathe… Stretch. Drink some coffee. If you didn’t have time to do your yoga this morning make sure you do it tonight. Listen to some Bob Marley or Kendrick Lamar depending on what mood you’re in.

It is normal to not constantly be happy, you are allowed to feel down at times. What is important is being able to reflect on it and be aware that just because something is bothering you in this moment it doesn’t mean everything else in your life sucks.

Look at what you have accomplished this year. You moved to Georgia knowing a single person that isn’t even in your life anymore and barely was to begin with. You managed to make your trip to Europe with your best friend a reality. You worked hard and it paid off; you have an amazing job. You’re moving into your apartment this weekend.

Yes, you get so lonely.  Yes, it’s confusing and really shitty at times. But ask yourself if you actually believe that anyone would find this easy? You’ve got to take a step back and give yourself more credit. You need to be surrounding yourself with positive vibes and people who genuinely care.  Step out of your comfort zone. You always used to.

There will come a time in your life where you realize that it really was all part of the journey. All the hardships will make you more grateful. It won’t just be something you have to keep telling yourself but it will be your reality.

The things that upset you now will be insignificant. There is no point in wasting time thinking about what could be. Who knows where you’ll end up in the world. You do what makes YOU happy. If you aren’t significant in someone’s eyes then they aren’t worth your tears. Don’t force anything.

Understand that your mind has a way of leading you to believe that your insecurities and fears have power over you. I promise you, give it a couple hours and trust me it will be okay. No I don’t mean wait and your problems will go away, but it will allow your emotions to calm down and your thoughts to become more rational.

You don’t need to ignore your feelings or try push away the pain. Understand that it is temporary.  Life will work out the way it is meant to. It is what it is and everything happens for a reason even if you don’t know what the reason is yet. Listen to your heart but don’t let it take complete control of your emotions.

You are only twenty-three. Yes, you’re not an eighteen year old anymore but that doesn’t mean you have to have your life together now. Most adults still don’t know what they’re doing. So stop being so hard on yourself and forgetting about all the good in your life as soon as things seem shit. You are better than that and you know it.

Breathe. You are worthy. You deserve happiness and love. You deserve to put yourself first. So next time you’re feeling down, confused, frustrated or just having a shitty day – just remember you are a bad ass, you’re doing a good job,  whatever you’re feeling is temporary and if it isn’t then you need to make a change.

❤

I’m posting this because if I feel like being able to read this really impacted how I felt today, then maybe it could help someone else needing it. I took the time a few weeks ago to write down words that reassured me and that I knew I could read when I needed to and feel more calm and secure. A lot of it is very personal to me but it goes to show that having positive affirmations can help put things into perspective when you need it. It’s important to understand that you control your own happiness.

How is this my second blog post all year?

I don’t even know where to start and of course when I finally put pen to paper my pen doesn’t work properly. (Not taking it as a sign, gets new pen)

Last year I got into the habit of writing regularly and I didn’t delay capturing my thoughts for very long. I really loved it. It was a way I could look back and see what was on my mind at that time. I wish I had forced myself to set aside time to sit, gather my thoughts and just write more often this year.

Before my Eurotrip I had planned on making an amazing GoPro video as well as writing a post for each country we went to. We ended up being so busy that when we weren’t busy – we were sleeping. It was the most incredible three weeks, but the late nights led to nocturnal sleeping habits as we pretty much just slept on the bus while we travelled to the next place in the day (No regrets). I definitely wish I wrote more throughout the trip but I did take tons of photos and will always have the memories. Eventually I will finish the video and post about my European adventure but for now I’m just glad I’m actually writing so I’m just going to keep going.

The trip flew by and I headed back to NYC to visit family and friends in NJ before getting back to reality with my life in Georgia. I started putting the videos together and sorting out my photos but it honestly made me miss my best friend and my family so much that it led to a lot of procrastination.

The weeks after getting back went so quickly and July had become August, August became September, September became October, and all of a sudden it is the bloody 20th of October. It is kind of scary when you think about how quickly the months go by without even realizing it. I mean come on, by the end of December I would have lived in America for TWO YEARS. *Mind blown*

For the first time in my life I have an amazing, stable and intriguing job. I am so grateful for it everyday even though it’s just a job. It makes me feel productive and significant, and it has given me the opportunity to really settle into real life in Atlanta. Before my trip I was comfortable not doing anything serious for work and just wanted to save up and be able to travel. Then afterwards I went through a strange place trying to understand what I want, how I’m going to get it, and what need to be my priorities. So having a steady salary paid 9-5 job might not seem ideal to many 23 year olds but it is exactly what I needed.

Other than that it hasn’t been an easy four months. I moved in with a friend of a friend who opened up her home to me when I basically had nowhere to live. I am so grateful for her kindness. After a few weeks I moved in with some awesome friends who let me crash in their spare room. They are such genuine and kind people, and they helped me to get my head in the right space just by giving me a room to call my own. I never realized how much I had taken things like a bed for granted my whole life. This year has been a hell of a ride for my messed up back living life as a nomad couch surfing.

When I moved to Brookhaven I had no real job (just waitressing) and had no idea what I was going to do. I spent weeks looking for jobs online and after spending a day handing out my resumes to wherever I possibly could, I got a call from my family friend that night. He explained his friend is an Attorney and their firm was looking for a new Administrative Assistant/ Receptionist. I emailed him my resume immediately, went for an interview the next day, and had an offer emailed to me later that night 🙂

However when it comes to taking care of myself and staying productive personally, it has been a struggle and I’ve definitely lacked ‘me-time’. All the moving back and fourth (I am now back in Sandy Springs, long irrelevant story) really impacted my mental state and motivation towards fitness; which prior to my trip was a huge part of my mental and physical wellbeing.

After a much needed candle-lit bubble bath, I’ve realized that I really need to start taking my own advice and also work on not feeling guilty putting my myself and my happiness first. It hit me that yes I can keep procrastinating but it is literally only detrimental to my life if I don’t start making an effort to work on my own happiness. When I am happy, I am excited to get shit done and cross things off my list, but I tend to stay busy and distracted to avoid thinking about everything that stresses me out and it is a problem I am aware of.

I know I should feel proud of my accomplishments but it is hard to see the bigger picture when there is still so much to be done. Primarily being a car, apartment and my post-graduate studies; which are all way easier said than done when you are pretty much doing it alone.

Looking forward to camping tomorrow night. There is just something about being in nature that makes me happy and free from the stresses of life. Rant over – I don’t even know where I am getting at anymore but I’m glad I picked up my Van Gogh notebook and just started writing tonight. I clearly needed it.

❤

 

 

There’s just something about Miami

“Currently sitting in the restaurant at Freehand Miami, next to Ami James (famous tattoo artist, Miami Ink) and his friends”. 😀

That is all I managed to write down before I convinced myself they would all think I was some kind of weirdo reporter writing down their every move. I mean I did literally start this post with writing those exact words in my journal so maybe they were right to hypothetically be concerned. Okay, losing focus here let’s get back to the post.

“After a long day of travelling I finally arrived at Freehand Miami to stay for the night. I had to come to Miami for my Visa appointment tomorrow morning – wait let me phrase that better – I got another awesome opportunity to visit Miami even though it was just for my Visa appointment 😉

I took myself out for dinner and a glass of wine. It is so amazing being back here. I forgot how much I love this place.

Discovering that I’d have to fly to Florida just for the application on top of the mission to sort out everything for the Visa was very stressful and it was a huge ordeal getting it all together. Now that I’m here it all seems like it happened for a reason though. I needed this mini trip to Miami.

Living in Georgia has been amazing so far but these last few weeks have been exhausting and overwhelming at times. I’ve been an anxious mess. But now I’m sitting on this bus back to Miami Beach (my appointment was in Downtown Miami) and I don’t remember the last time I felt this calm and genuinely happy.

With the help (a lot of help) from my incredible Momsy, my Visa appointment and application is all done and sorted, now all that’s left is excitement for my Eurotrip with my bestie Moooky ♥

There is just something about Miami. Something about the way the sun feels on my skin, the wind in my hair, the clear blue skies (until it pours with rain), the amazing beaches, the streets, the palm trees, the people, the vibe. I wish I could stay here for longer and just relax on the beach. But this was just a trip for my real trip, and I’m so appreciative I still got to visit!

After feeling very overwhelmed before I got to the airport yesterday, I felt like everything kept going wrong, I’d mess something up, I wouldn’t be able to afford to get anywhere, etc etc. I went and chilled outside in the park and spoke to my late Bobba.

I asked her for a sign that she is with me and that she knows how much I miss her every single day. I didn’t feel anything, but had to started missioning to the airport. It felt like one thing went wrong after the other, be it the public transport or the airport security lines. Yet, without fail, it all seemed to work out just perfectly in the end.

I managed to be on one of the last flights out that night to Miami due to crazy storms. I made it to the hostel from the airport and everything worked out perfectly fine for my Visa interview, all without a phone I could depend on for maps or uber or ANYTHING BECAUSE THE BATTERY LASTS SHORTER THAN okay I’m sorry it just drives me absolutely crazy.

My darling Bobs was watching out for me and I know it 🙂 I miss you and love you and I know you’re loving getting to see Miami today, because you’re here with me in my heart.

So right now I’m still on the bus back to Miami beach and I plan to tan and chill out by the pool for a little bit before I make my way back to the airport.

Sometimes you need to truly be on your own to remind yourself you are perfectly capable of anything you set your mind to.” ❤

X

 

Hello South Africa

Just over two weeks ago I made my way to JFK for my flight back to SA. 15 hours, 3 movies, some series, a couple chapters of Tina Fey’s “Bossy Pants” and a glass of wine later, I landed in Johannesburg. As I got off the plane I couldn’t help but smile when I thought about how I’d get to see my little siblings soon after around 9 months of being in the states. Seeing them again was unbelievable and even though I’d seen photos of them throughout the year, I couldn’t believe how big they had gotten.

The next day I had my flight home to Durban as I would be back in JHB the following week for my gran’s wedding. I had planned to surprise my sister Rachel for her 18th birthday and her Matric Dance, so I had to be very careful to not mess up the surprise by talking to her when I should have been sleeping (America is 6 hours behind), or snapchat my little siblings by mistake and ruin months of keeping the secret. My mom fetched me from the airport and it was so good being back in Durbs again.

I was back in the land of robots, Rands, left side passenger seats and beggars on the side of the road, which took some getting used to I won’t lie. Looking outside the window on the drive home from the airport made me happy knowing I was home. I appreciated the sugar-cane fields and the beautiful sea views more than I ever have. Driving through Umhlanga, La Lucia and Durban North made me think how crazy it is that you can spend so much time in places and then be away for almost a year, go back and feel like you never left.

I arrived home freaking out I was so excited to surprise my sister. She knew I’d be coming home soon for the wedding, but I told her I wouldn’t be able to come back before her birthday. The surprise was great, she cried so of course I cried too. Being home again was amazing. Seeing my family, my soul-dog and just being able to chill out at home again was just perfect.

In America I was the one with the accent, ‘cool’ nonetheless, but I couldn’t get a sentence out without getting asked where I was from. Now since I’ve been back in SA, every now and then when I talk people say “OMG you sound so American!” I can never win. Dealt with constantly being asked if I was Australian or British, to say things, speak Zulu, the list goes on, and now when I’m back home I apparently sound American. What can you do.

What has taken some getting used to is how I am back to rands and not dollars. Getting an iced coffee for R32 seemed like a lot of money to me until I realized that was around $2. We went to spar and got some groceries and I realized as I got to the till that I couldn’t for the life of me remember my pin for my card here, so I used my Chase card from the states. The groceries came to around R60 and it took something like $3.50 off my card which is bloody crazy. That’s like a grande coffee at Starbucks. That exchange rate though.

Rachel looked so beautiful at her dance and I’m so glad I got to be there for it, as well as her birthday. She grew up too fast, it makes me feel extremely old knowing she is 18 already. But it is very awesome and exciting.

What took getting used to was how we drive on the left side of the road with the driver on the right of the car, the walls around houses and electric fences, the humidity, and the fact that I could chill out and do whatever I wanted to and not have to be at work for 11 hours a day. What did I miss the most? My family of course, then the South African accents, then the Indian food and samp and beans. I miss my friends like crazy but luckily I’ll see them next week when I visit Rhodes again!

Last Thursday we drove up to JHB. We had my gran’s wedding on Sunday which was absolutely beautiful and so so special. All the grand-kids were bridesmaids, flower girls/ boys; so we all got to be a part of the wedding which was amazing. Not many grandchildren get to be at their granny’s wedding, never mind all twelve of us! It was a beautiful wedding, and I’m so happy for my gorgeous gran and Ron.

I’ve been in JHB for a week now and will be here till I leave for Grahamstown which is next Friday. I’ve loved getting to spend time with my Joburg family whom I adore. It’s kinda scary but very exciting to think about being back in good old Gtizzle with everyone again. I’m so happy to get to be with the kids again, and happy I’ll get to see my friends soon too. Speaking of friends, I didn’t realize how I’d come back from the states having really great friends that I miss already. So even though I do miss them and it sucks, I’m glad I have people to miss back in NJ.

Well that was quite a long blog post but I’ve needed to sit down and actually type this out for awhile now, so here it is! I’ll post one with some photos since I’ve been back soon.

❤ X

MIAMI

I can’t feel my face – The Weeknd

I love it – Icona pop

Bikini weather – Shortstraw

❤

Friends.

At first I had a hard time making friends here. Meeting people was easy, becoming friends with people is a different story. What was hard was that I have my friends back home. I have people who care about me and make an effort to be there, but it’s hard to not feel lonely when they’re all on the other side of the world.

I’m a bubbly person who doesn’t have any issues with being outgoing and meeting people. My issues come with having the confidence to put yourself out there, make plans and get to know new people personally.

Part of the problem would be that I would meet people who seemed like they wanted to hang out and spend time together, but would only let me down by bailing last minute, or making plans when they had nothing better to do.

I don’t have a problem if you don’t want to be friends with me, but instead of giving someone false hope and constantly letting them down, just don’t make plans in the first place.

Nevertheless over the months I have learnt that some relationships we have with people are temporary, and some become friendships. I’ve learnt to not let it get to me or take it too personally when people are busy with their own lives, or just don’t want to make the effort for you to be in their lives.

Being here has made me realize who my friends back home really are. I feel truly blessed to have such special friends back home. There are also so many people that I considered myself friends with in South Africa, who I’ve barely been in contact with since I’ve been here, even though I tried to make an effort over the first few months.

It makes me smile to think about the fact that today, right now, at this very moment, I’m happy. Yes I have a ton on my mind constantly making me go crazy, but I had a fantastic weekend. Why? Because I can say I’ve got awesome girl friends here who make an effort and want me to be part of their plans.

No we didn’t go into the city or have some crazy adventure. On Friday after Shabbat Dinner I went out with them, Saturday night we had girls night with games, movies, popcorn and wine, and yesterday we went shopping and got Chipotle for dinner. Nothing crazy, but a fantastic weekend; because they make an effort.

So maybe I don’t have a massive amount of friends here, but I’ve got friends. These girls don’t realize how much of a difference they’ve made to my experience living in America so far, and I appreciate them so much it’s probably annoying 😛

Yes, some weekends I love just chilling out at home having Netflix marathons in bed. And no, I’m not all upset and think no one likes me if I don’t have a lot of plans for a weekend. But after a shitty week at work, having a lovely weekend really does make a Monday morning better ❤

Exciting news for next weekend: Miami with my Robs 🙂 😉

Happy Monday everyone

X

“Laughter itself may be meaningless,  but it’s effect on the soul is profound”

NYC VLOG

Jeremy Loops: Mission to the sun (Howling)
MIA: Paper planes

❤ X

Supermom

My mom left to fly back home this morning. It dawned on me when I was getting ready for work that she wasn’t gonna be home when I came back tonight, which really sucks. Her trip went so quickly but we did so much and had such a fantastic time.

I know most people think they have the best mom in the world, but in my world; my mom couldn’t possibly be better if she tried.

She has always believed in me, when I didn’t believe in myself. She’s pushed me to do my best, but not beat myself up when I am not the best. She’s showed me how life is hard sometimes, but you do get through it.

Even though she usually has an answer to help me, when she doesn’t; she admits it. She admits sometimes she doesn’t have an answer and also doesn’t know what I should do, but she is there every step of the way until I work it out.

My mom taught me how to be a good person; to humans and animals. She taught me how important family is.

She showed me how to be a good mother. She puts us before her every time. She’d walk around barefoot to give me her slops because my boots blistered my feet like crazy this weekend. She’d give me money for savings to travel even though in South Africa every dollar is R13.25.

My mom is there when I need to cry it out, when I’m happy, and when I have no idea what I am.

Trying to think about how amazing my mom is while at work has been close to impossible, because I can’t help but tear up when I think about it all. The list could go on and on forever. She’s been my best friend for 22 years.

My momsy is my hero, and everyday should be mother’s day when you get lucky and have a mom like mine ❤

“A daughter is just a little girl who grows up to be your best friend.”

Weekend away in the city with the Momsy & Vlogging

My mom and I stayed in NYC from Thursday last week till Sunday, and it was amazing. I was inspired by one of my besties Robyn to start vlogging. I thought instead of taking a million photos and only ending up posting a few of them, taking little videos of the weekend adventures and putting them into a vlog would be awesome. She did one for her trip to Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand last year, as well as when she came to visit me in New York City & NJ a couple months ago, and they were incredible!

So I am currently trying to get it all edited together whilst working 11 hours a day during the week, but I’m almost done 🙂 Hopefully I will get it posted sometime this week. I also have no idea how to ‘vlog’ so no judging please 😛 The idea of travel vlogging is fantastic and I hope I get good enough to post some awesome vlogs!

In the mean time, here are a few moments from our weekend in the city:

Natural History Museum

You gotta have HOPE

View from the gym in our hotel – One UN Plaza in Midtown East

Natural History Museum

Untitled waiting for the bus selfie

Starbucks because Starbucks

Brooklyn Bridge-ing

Subway Selfie

It’s Friday and tomorrow is August.

Fridays are not only great because IT’S THE WEEKEND, but because I get off at 5pm 😀

I cannot believe that tomorrow is August. I feel like every end of the month I’m in shock that another month has past already. I have now been here for 7 months! Absolutely crazy to think about.

What’s exciting about August is that my mom is coming to visit me :’) I miss her so much and cannot wait to get to see her again ❤ I’m really lucky that we live in a time where I’m just a Whatsapp or Skype call away from my family. It kind of made it easier to do this big move being away from home for University. I got used to staying in contact over my phone or computer, and then getting to see everyone in the holidays. As much as it sucks being away from them, whether you’re in another city studying or you’re on the other side of the world – the distance doesn’t make a difference as long as you’re still making the effort. So I guess being at Rhodes made it a liiiittle easier for me to be away from home.

The day has gone pretty quickly at work today. Not too crazy. Anyways, I wanted to keep it short and sweet. I hope everyone reading this has a beautiful weekend 🙂

HAPPY FRIYAY ❤